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[09 May 2007|10:30am]
Found the perfect song that totally helps me to deal with losing Brad. It's by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and it's called " Your Guardian Angel". Every lyric is perfect. Every note is a true reflection of what Brad was. In case you're interested here are the lyrics.

Your Guardian Angel- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

When I see your smile,
tears run down my face, I can't replace
And now that I am strong, I have figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside of me I can be the one

[Chorus]
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with your forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay, It's okay.It's okay.
Season are changing, and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

[Chorus]

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
[to fade]
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PAIN [08 May 2007|11:58pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I have not posted in an insanely long time, but I really need to get something off my chest. I never deal with emotions right...in fact I usually just ignore them until they become unbareable. And that's what's happened...the pain is too unbareable to deal with and now I really just need to have a good cry. But I'm crying over something that happened at Christmas, a car accident I wasn't even there to witness. A car accident I blinked and missed and now the one I love most is dead. I know if I had been there to witness it I would be in a much larger state of urgency but I just feel so awful all the time...almost to the point of no return. Brad is dead.He's never coming back and its feels like the world is crashing down on me and no one is here to help me get away from this wreckage. I had him...within my grasp and all I did was push him away. All I did was fight with him, not love him...not be with him like I wish I could right now. When will this pain go away? When will this agony that hurts in my heart disappear. I fear I will never fully recover from this agony. I mean I put away every single picture of him so I wouldn't have to feel anything, but my mom didn't understand why I would do such an awful thing, especially if I loved him so much. So she took the box and put in my room, and forced me to feel things, I don't want to feel because they're too painful. Do I blame her? Not really. She just wants me to mourn the person I loved and lost. She just wants me to remember the great person Brad was, and was lucky to be loved by. She just wants me to feel something. And now as I sit here among the beautiful pictures and memorabilla I realize what I've truly lost. The man I was completely in love with but completely numb to. The man I completely fucked with while he was alive but miss more than words today. He had such a way with words. He was so perfect in every way and I just didn't acknowledge this. And it all comes back to a letter he sent me with his beautiful words. He said if he was a composer and I was a melody, he'd use only the good notes. It breaks my heart to read these words but I know he meant them. And I guess the true meaning of this post is that I miss him. I miss him more than I could ever say. And the truth is the hardest part of this is losing him and not knowing how to deal with these complex emotions. The hardest part of this is being without him...forever and having no shoulder to cry on. No unconditional love. All that's left of my tattered heart is nothing but a hole. A hole that will never be filled ever again. I guess I learned how to deal with emotions...the hard way.

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[17 Jan 2007|10:59pm]
I've been hiding a lot of things lately...feelings mostly I guess. I figured by not dealing with them maybe somehow they would just disappear. But as always they came back to haunt me and what started out as a fun night, turned into a whirlwind of bad feelings rushing back to me at once. The most frustrating part is, I can't articulate what these feelings are doing to my insides, but I can say they're tearing me apart. I am a complete and utter mess. When those feelings came back and bit me on the ass tonight, I cried and I mean really cried, a downpour from my eyes, for the first time since the death of a close friend. What is happening I paused and asked myself. Could I really be feeling what I think I am feeling. Mad, sad, depressed, frustrated, alone, scared all at once? Let me put it this way...I feel like my heart is torn between twenty different feelings which I can't even process all at once. And yet I feel like I'm not waving but drowning in a sea of my own feelings. Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you? they say. Everyone keeps telling me "Talk about your feelings" But how can I do that when I can't even begin to process how I must be feeling. I can't even feel what I am feeling. I am numb, completely fucking numb right now about these feelings that are destined to come out. The first stage of grief is denial, but how can I deny something I can't even begin to figure out? I just...I guess...I miss him more than words. I miss him more than the flowers miss the rain in a drought. I miss him more than ski hills miss the snow because of global warming. I miss him more than children miss their mothers when they are gone. Most of all I miss him more than I miss anything that could ever be taken from me. Right now you could take my life away, and I wouldn't care, so long as I could see him agian. So long as I could feel him next to me again. So long as I could hug him or hold him in my arms one more time. But that's life right? Things get taken from you without your consent. He wasn't my property only someone that meant the world to me. Someone who made my life feel meaningful and made me feel so loved. I guess I should just face the fact that people are taken, without warning, and without reason. Just taken. I wish things would just find their way back to normal but I know this will never be. In truth I will never be ok...I will always struggle with the pain of this death. MAybe I should just think of it as another line in my book. Death is so senseless and yet the more I lose, the less I feel.
The less I feel, the more I just want to forget. And the more I want to forget, the more I slip deeper and deeper into the hole I am in. Feelings, they're a tricky thing. Right now I just want time to end. My heart is broken beyond repair. Maybe if I lie here a little longer things will make sense again....or maybe they never will. So here I sit, sinking into the puddle that is my tears, not waving but drowning.
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Depressed due to a plethora of issues. [22 Dec 2006|11:13pm]
Lately I've been waking up refreshed from the medication that I've been taking which has been aiding my sleep. But the more it works, and the more my parents comment on "how much we like you when you are on this drug" the more depressed I become. I feel like they only like me when I'm medicated. It's so unnerving. My mom says they don't mean it that way, that they just want me to be happy, but I'm not buying it. I mean, she had the nerve to say to me, Trinela you're more like your old self on this drug. Well, maybe I am, but to say you like that version better, just makes me not like myself even more. I am so sick of being medicated. I feel so fucking numb all the time. The more I think about it, the more my life is honestly the life of Andrew Largemen in Garden State. But yet the funny thing is, I have a chemical imbalance. I have a problem,unlike Large but yet I still feel fucking numb, and I hate it! How many people do you know who take pills every day to make their parents like them? Well, I am one of them. And these pills, these miracle pills cause massive weight gain by the way. As if I didnt have enough weight troubles, now I will gain more weight and have even more self-esteem troubles. It's so frustrating. How can I be expected to feel good about myself, when all everyone wants me to be is not who I am? How can I live with myself gaining more weight, when I'm not even comfortable with the weight I've already gained? I just don't know what to do. I kinda wanna go off the meds but I know then my depression will get worse, but what am I to do. It's a lose-lose sitation and my parents don't seem to care as long as this drug is making me so much likable. the reason you ask? Because I'm numb to everything. I don't argue because I don't feel anything. I don't get angry because I feel completely out of it. I don't know whether that's good or not, but I guess it makes me a more compliant happier me that everyone seems to like. I just don't know anymore...please someone free me from this mess that is my life.
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What 's gone and left me [04 Nov 2006|10:21pm]
[ mood | not that kinda cold ]

What's gone and left me is all I've ever loved, all I've ever felt and all I've ever showed. What's gone and left me, left an empty hole, but nobody sees it, except me. What's gone and left me has made me cry, but nobody recognizes it, nobody stops to ever see. Inside I am decrepid. I am alive, but a mess. I've never felt so alone in my life. Maybe its because whats gone and left me is Jake. What's gone and left me is Brenn. Whats gone and left me is everything I've ever cared about; life. But no one stops to watch me cry...no one stops to see how truly sad I feel...because it doesn't matter. It doens't matter. Why do I think it matters so much to everyone else? Because it doesn't. I don't matter...I am just a line in a book. Everyone sees right through me....like I'm a sheet of plexi glass. I can't touch the world, I can't feel accepted because I'm not what everyone wants me to be. I'm sad and decrepid. Maybe I'm not happy enough, or pretty enough...but its better than trying to be something I'll never be. Why does it hurt so bad to see what's gone and left of me? Why do I feel so alone...why do I even try? Does anyone hear me out in the void...I wonder. I cry. I try not to cry. I try not to cry but it keeps coming like a river from my heart to my eyes...a drop of salt does slide. But the cycle keeps coming...returning..only further angering me...and making me realize the true worth of me. Am I nothing but a tiny tear drop that eventually to will be the only thing left of what's gone and left me. What's gone and left me is a tear that doesn't even indicate my true pain...but no one stops to check...that's whats wrong with the world. Even your closest friends can turn on you and not even realize it. Nobody gets what it feels like to be a ghost in a world full of people. I am a ghost...a vision of pain that won't exit kindly. Ever. I hold my picture of Jake and Brenn and I know...their fate...their fate is what is to come. Maybe not in the same way...maybe not to the same extent and maybe not in the same method..but it will come. I've never felt so left out of my own life. And I don't know why....but all I do know is no one is here to see me fall.

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Life at Nip-U [17 Sep 2006|01:16pm]
[ mood | silly ]

So I know I haven't posted in a disgustingly long time, but here I am. I haven't disappeared or fallen off the face of the earth....SURPRISE! Let me update you all on what's been happening up here at Nip-U. 

I went white water rafting which was stellar. I'm talkin sooo much fun. I dislocated my shoulder which was a minor issue and it still hurts, but hey I got war wounds. My roommates (sp?) are really cool and I love both of them dearly. Of course Erin is as cool as ever....she hasn't changed her status which I doubt she ever will...BFF. I miss Greg a lot but lately I've been talking to Justin a lot and as you all know I've had major feelings for that guy for like ever. He's just so different than other guys and he makes me sooo happy, but he wasn't there for me at all during my sickness. He says he feels really bad about what happened at Tremblant and he wished he would have made a move because he missed out on a key chance with me. I told him he might just get another chance. 

Brad is driving me nuts as usual. He keeps calling and I wish he'd start acting like a best friend should, not a fiance. Which by the way we're not getting married! I can't tell you how many calls and emails I've gotten from ski friends saying Congrats on your marriage to Brad....lol....guys check your facts. I don't know what Brad's been tellin yall but we aren't getting married. Not even close. Not even dating. I love school its so cool having out own apartment and all, and although I haven't met that many ppl I hope to meet some new one's soon. 

Anywho not much else to report, Erin and I are making cupcakes and there's a major cutie on the 2nd floor whom I'd like to get to know...if only I knew where to start. 

l8r g8rs 

write me a letter or give me a call 705-474-2526 x 2181 or email me h0492285@student.nipissingu.ca 

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Nip U Rocks [06 Sep 2006|07:12pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Hey everyone!

Sorry I haven't posted in ages. So its been a hectic first week at Nip but it's been so much fun! Erin is with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'm so glad to have her, she seriously is an amazing friend. The Chief Commanda boat cruise was wicked fun, and of course erin and I had a good time at the pub. I love the room mates, Meg is hilarious and Beth is a total blast. We've already done alot of crap together and bonded. Bedouin soundclash is coming to our pub but I can't go because my great-grandma passed away so I had to head back to Toronto for funeral stuff. I will be back at rez just in time for white water rafting sat. Oh the humanity!

I miss everyone, specially brad, which I hate to admit. I even miss Jon....hahaahahhahah. Oh well I love Uni and I'm seriously having so much fun, can't wait to hit rez life some more. Hope everyone else is enjoying their school stuff. Love yall

Trinster

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[16 May 2006|10:43pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

YAY! Erin got into Nip U for BA Honours! That means we might get to go to school together! Omfg I'm sooo excited! I love you Erin CONGRATS!

Allycia is going to Western!Erin is coming to Nip! Everyone wins! My life is saved lol! 

l8r g8rs

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The Rejection [12 May 2006|05:47pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

I sat sullenly staring at the small envelope that jumped out of the large stack of mail. It said "Ryerson University". All at once I knew what was in this envelope and a feeling of incontrollable doom loomed over me. The word 'rejected' came to mind. I opened the letter only to have my worst fears confirmed. I had been rejected by Ryerson for ECE. I felt like screaming and Taking Back Sunday lyrics flooded to my mind. "and when you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head". Wow, I'm pretty sure the lead singer wasn't talking about being rejected from university, but it felt like he was. And I realize how ironically acceptable the song title is "Cute without the 'e'". I've been CUT, on numerous levels. After the rejection I sat and finally mustered up the courage to rip up the letter. Why keep it? As a reminder of my rejection? No, it isn't worth reminding myself of something so negative. So I ripped it into about a billion pieces, and through them up in the air. Then I grabbed the vaccuum cleaner and sucked it all up. Boy did that feel good. Then I went on with my day, with my head held slightly lower than usual, and realized I had survived my first university rejection.

Welcome to the real world.

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Names [09 May 2006|01:24pm]
Shakespeare once said "Whats in a name? " However my best friend Brad and I feel a name(especially for a child) is very important. Recently we got in a heated debate about names. As you know Brad and I have been dating on and off for years. He thinks we'll get married so as a gift to him I have decided to list Brad and I's full names, and our top 5 list of names for boys and girls. You guys decide! What do you think? Here's the lists:

Brad's full name: Bradley Jamese Denmore Jones
 
My full name: Trinela Caela Joan Hutcheon 

Brad's Choices

BOYS

GIRLS

1. Simon 1.Nika
2.Jaden 2.Shyann
3.Thomas 3.Mikaela
4.Taylor 4.Sophie
5.Stuart 5.Erin

Trin's Choices
BOYS GIRLS
1. Cayden 1. Rivyr(river)
2. Jakob 2.Danica
3.Benjamin 3. Sapphire
4.Liam 4.Margaux
5. Brennan 5.Christine
  
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RX Nation [07 May 2006|03:41pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I'm tired of writing about life's drama. Due to current events I feel I am obligated to write about something that is troubling me. Recently I have begun to realize the society in which we live is controlled by our need for immediacy. We need immediate gratification for everything; pain, hunger, accomplishments, and things we WANT to buy. Fast food, buy now, pay later, TV on demand, are just some of the many examples. But the one that is troubling me the most is society's constant need for immediate pain relief. I am no stranger to medication, I have been on Paxil for about two years now, and it has aided in my treatment for my depression. HOwever, I am seeing more and more teenagers who see their depressed friends taking anti-depressants and want to feel that immediate emotional release. But to be honest, anti-depressants don't do what the commercials say. They don't make you happy, you have to go through weeks, months, even years of treatment if you in fact are depressed to make those anti-depressants even make a world of differemce. But this world of immediacy causes more drug use, more use of these "fast services" to buy us more time. But we waste the time that we do have, trying to save more time instead of doing what we need to get done. Then when we are pressed for time to get our work done, we pop a pill which will relax us or give us that immediate fix. This immediate fix will help us feel better about wasting the time we could have spent on doing our work. Funny how that works eh? This is why I think depression is on the rise. When someone gets sad, they assume hey I'm depressed. And because anti-depressants are so heavily marketed it seems like its the logical escape to their feelings of inadequacy. But because of this trend how do we know when someone is really chemically imbalanced? We just want to feel "better" with out having to put any actual effort into things right? It's all become too much for me tho. Teens popping ritalin, to study better. Downing paxil and zoloft to make us feel more stable. It's just so sad, it's like we live in an RX nation where taking pills has become ok. But when does popping pills become too much? When does addiction and reliance on these pills become too much? I'm not saying I'm perfect here, but honestly the RX Nation is the next fast food nation, an immediate shot of happiness, no matter how shortlived.

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Four Year Reflection [17 Mar 2006|08:57pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I haven't written in a while and I know it. I've been so busy tho working 7 days a week and all. I don't know how I find time for everything, but somehow I fit it all in. My job at the day care is going extremely well and good money too! It's such good experience too for my future job. I love the kids in my room (Infant 3). they are sooo cute! They are between 12 and 18 months by the way. My favorite is definitely Hunter tho with his big blue eyes. I think I'll try to get you guys a picture. So in other news, skiing is slowly drawing to a close. This is our last weekend together Lakeridgeians. So sad, I'll miss you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!I miss Greg like crazy, I can;t wait to see him again, I just wish it would be soon!I jsut realized I'm writing an entry that has nothing to with my subject specification....ooops, but seriously I felt I should update you all considering I haven't written in forever. Enough said, I was following procedures in order to make this entry much easier to read.

Now on to the main event. Tomorrow marks the four-year anniversary of my best friend Jake's death. He died of an ecstacy overdose suddenly in 2002. I had a lot of trouble dealing with his death and went through a long depression. I didn't and still don't understand how someone so young could be here and then gone in an instant. We'd been best friends for over 6 years when he died. I guess I still haven't truly gotten over him. If anything his death has taught me to put a piece of you in every second of every day. Always say what you wanna say, and never leave out anything, life is short. Although I know Jake sorta dug his own grave, I don't think I ever will consider his death a suicide, nor will I ever even fathom why he died. It seems to me the people we love most are often the ones who die. Is it a test or something? If it is, it sorta seems rather harsh---even now four years later, I still remember exactly what he was wearing the last time I saw him. I remember exactly what I was wearing----and exactly how I felt. It's funny how events that seem so mundane at the time are the one's you remember. I remember everythign about Jake and I will never forget him. Although with time I am slowly healing, I know in my heart I will never ever stop mourning the loss of my best friend. The pain will always be there but it's like the wind, you can't see it, but you can feel it. TOmorrow night Brad and I will trek to his grave to pay our respects like we always do, although I go every two weeks. The anniversary always brings something new and maybe this year it will bring new meaning to my life once again. But until tomorrow. Rest in peace Jake, Je t'aime encore beaucoup.

Good night all---take care of your loved ones and remember<< <<

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I haven't written in a while and I know it. I've been so busy tho working 7 days a week and all. I don't know how I find time for everything, but somehow I fit it all in. My job at the day care is going extremely well and good money too! It's such good experience too for my future job. I love the kids in my room (Infant 3). they are sooo cute! They are between 12 and 18 months by the way. My favorite is definitely Hunter tho with his big blue eyes. I think I'll try to get you guys a picture. So in other news, skiing is slowly drawing to a close. This is our last weekend together Lakeridgeians. So sad, I'll miss you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!I miss Greg like crazy, I can;t wait to see him again, I just wish it would be soon!I jsut realized I'm writing an entry that has nothing to with my subject specification....ooops, but seriously I felt I should update you all considering I haven't written in forever. Enough said, I was following procedures in order to make this entry much easier to read.

Now on to the main event. Tomorrow marks the four-year anniversary of my best friend Jake's death. He died of an ecstacy overdose suddenly in 2002. I had a lot of trouble dealing with his death and went through a long depression. I didn't and still don't understand how someone so young could be here and then gone in an instant. We'd been best friends for over 6 years when he died. I guess I still haven't truly gotten over him. If anything his death has taught me to put a piece of you in every second of every day. Always say what you wanna say, and never leave out anything, life is short. Although I know Jake sorta dug his own grave, I don't think I ever will consider his death a suicide, nor will I ever even fathom why he died. It seems to me the people we love most are often the ones who die. Is it a test or something? If it is, it sorta seems rather harsh---even now four years later, I still remember exactly what he was wearing the last time I saw him. I remember exactly what I was wearing----and exactly how I felt. It's funny how events that seem so mundane at the time are the one's you remember. I remember everythign about Jake and I will never forget him. Although with time I am slowly healing, I know in my heart I will never ever stop mourning the loss of my best friend. The pain will always be there but it's like the wind, you can't see it, but you can feel it. TOmorrow night Brad and I will trek to his grave to pay our respects like we always do, although I go every two weeks. The anniversary always brings something new and maybe this year it will bring new meaning to my life once again. But until tomorrow. Rest in peace Jake, Je t'aime encore beaucoup.

Good night all---take care of your loved ones and remember<< <<<FALLING IS EASY, GETTING BACK UP IS THE HARD PART>>>>>if you fall due to a loss, bad day, bully, whatever it is, be true to who you are, and remember life is what we make it, and no one, can ever change that.
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I've never felt this hopeless before [08 Dec 2005|05:22pm]
So today I woke up feeling the way I've felt for many weeks, the past couple actually and yet it is so painful for me to think that I've never felt this hopeless before. And what a way to make things worse, but its no big surprise that NO ONE CARES. I feel like I have no one to talk to, and just like when I first got diagnosed I am alone. I don't know why I don't just give up...on everything, and everyone. I don't know who I am anymore anyway. I don't know who my friends are and I certainly don't know why I bother. Yes, I am suicidal, quite. And of course suicide makes me think of Brennan, and Brenn makes me cry as always. I'm still battling the same things I've been battling for the whole two years, I don't know why it seems to have got harder. It really hasnt gotten harder, I've just got better and better at hiding my feelings. Everything I once knew and pretty much had is gone. The doctor isn't much help either, reading from his fucking script that he probably reads to everyone. When he speaks "I'm sorry" I know what he really means is "I'm trying to come across as compassionate but I really don't know how to be". I'm succumbing to my feelings again, the painful ones, the ones that make me hate every ounce of my being. And I'm in a hole, AGAIN where no one can hear my scream. I know I'm sinking back into depression, wait NO...i'm already there. I've realized the sad truth of the world, people just don't care! They really don't. If you are crying on the ground because your friend just died, then people just say "hey she looks like an easy target, lets KICK HER!" And then the vicious cycle continues wheere I can barely breath in the morning, out of anxiety--and then my depression hits me right in the chest area like a sack of potatoes. I realize I have no one, I realize this battle with depression and other said illnesses will kill me(likely). I will have to do everything alone. But this isn't anything different then usual. I've always been alone, I jsut never realized it before.

I've thought of many ways to end my own life, like drowing myself in the bathtub,but all seem too painful. Although I guess nothing can really compare to the pain I feel right now. Everyone makes me feel like shit. I feel like I have no energy, no will. I feel like diving into the sea of loneliness. Am I that weak? Apparently I am.

Apparently I am. The End.
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feel like going to sleep and never waking up [30 Nov 2005|10:43am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I'm in quite the mood today. It's like every single bone in my body is just aching, and sticking my head in a vice is definitely an option i am considering. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do know I feel criticized by everything I do, and say, and wish I was never born. Yup, today is my depressed day. Life has been really giving me trouble lately. I'm not sleeping despite the pain I'm in. I don't feel like going out, although my dad did force me to go to One of a Kind yesterday whcih actually turned out to be ok. I've been crying a lot, and not jsut because of the pain, but because I just want to be normal, want things to go back to the way they used to be. I just want someone to tell me everythings going to be alright. It's days like these I want all my friends here just to know they're there.

And then I almost succumb to the neverending feeling of wanting to go to sleep and never wake up.

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[23 Nov 2005|07:33pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

Today was a day of revelations. I spent most of my day at SK and when I was there, I did some of the best thinking I've ever done. Brad layed on the couch and studied his brains out for his midterms, while I lay there aware of the pain that was surging through my body but also aware that my best friend, Brad who was sitting just feet away from me, made me feel more loved, and more comforted than anything. So why haven't I had this revelation before you might ask? Because I wouldn't let myself. I was so wrapped up in thinking I was so alone in this "challenge'when in truth I have a best friend, who loves me sooo much, and other great friends like Tamz, and allycia and even Leila who see me through the hard times even if it's helping out in their own way, and especially when they don't even know they are helping out. Brad is a special person, and its taken me awhile to realize that my feelings for him are true. It's funny how you don't realize that the person who is there for you the most is the one you're meant to love, or be with. But that doesn't mean him and I are going to rush into a relationship...in fact I haven't even told him yet. To be honest I don't know quite how to tell him. It's like I've known this guy for so long, I don't even know how to turn our friendship into something more. I dunno maybe I should just try to get through my #1 challenge right now.

I also realized that you can't let your feelings effect(sp?) the happiness of someone else. This is what I did in the situation with Jay...I treated him badly because maybe I wasnt feeling super well and yup I made a big mess. But sending him that email today, admitting that I was wrong made me feel really good. It made me feel like I was reconsciling the mistake that I made. I can't take back what I did, but I do feel bad for it, so why not tell the person who you affected that you are sorry? Tamarah was right, I am no good at admitting I'm wrong, and what am I so afraid of? It's not that bad, because everyone makes mistakes. I'd just like to take a moment to thank my friends, mainly Tamarah and Allycia for opening my eyes, for making me realize how much happier I could be if I just admitted my mistakes, and tried to help my friends learn how to be there for me, and do the same in return for them. You guys seriously have helped me, and I really appreciate it. I'm sorry if I've shown you otherwise lately.

Only 1 week left as of tomorrow(my close friends know what this means)....i just pray that salvage works.


Today I realized....
that being wrong sometimes proves how right you are going to be in the future.

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whats in a title anyway [09 Nov 2005|09:52pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

So I'm gunnna try to actually write down how I feel.

I feel good. I know super exciting. Brad has totally changed my perspective about being sick and seriously I know that him and i will be together someday. He is just soooo....*stares off into space* how dorky am i. love is only as good as being in a hospital. Anyway Brad is amazing and I think he will always be there for me regardless of what happens, even if he is busy. Oh NOT dating has never felt sooo good.

lol in other news, I found out I have to take some fucking online math course to get into Nippissing. Damn those fucking bastards at the Nipissing admissions office! I shake my fist at you! *looks up to sky* please let it snow!

CAUTION: THis next poem should only be taken partially serious
its great when one finds someone they do not have to date
they can just talk to them and not feel like they're jailbate
being alone, but yet together, has never felt so good
reminds me of falling in love, with love, in childhood
that bastard brad1 who hit me that one time,
I swore I'd never let anyone else in, i mean he did commit a crime
But i guess not all guys are bad, sometimes you have to be brave
its not like i need someone to come over and make me cave
i can't believe i've met a guy i really don't have to date
who doesnt make me want to migrate
who doesnt ask me to castrate
man it's great to have a guy like b that i don't have to date

*smiles* men can be pigs---run away!
good bye and good night

COMMENT ON MY CRAPPY POETRY IF YOU'RE SO INCLINED!

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Reflecting on the past 2-3 years. [07 Oct 2005|06:51pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I went to visit Cavan today and I have to say I've never felt so sick in my entire life. He's finally home to which I owe the doctors at Sunnybrook a big high 5 but man, Cavan is so different now. It's like talking to a vegetable. Why do my friends always do stupid life altering things? (No offence to my friends who don't), but I don't remember ever feeling this sad. I wrote a letter to Justin last night, a lengthy letter I might add, and for some reason ever since I can't stop thinking about Jake and Brenn. I've lost so much, how did I seem to just forget that? I might have been blindsighted by everything that's been going on, but still I shouldn't have forgotten how much both of them meant to me and still mean to me. I have this picture of Jake and I that I keep hidden away, and last night for some strange reason I decided to look at it. I have never felt a surge of so many emotions. I miss him still and it's been three years. I still remember the last day we were together. I remember exactly what he was wearing, exactly how he looked, and exactly how I felt. It's funny how time changes us and makes us forget things that are important to us. Jake was my best friend, and I guess my first love. Brennan's death is still pretty fresh too. I guess it's almost been a year now since he's been gone. Am I supposed to be happy he's in a better place? That's what everyone keeps saying. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel anymore. My brother and I have been fighting a lot lately, I think it's because of my depression and he thinks I've just some how made it all up. Everytime he gets mad at me he shoves in my face how much I ruined the family and his perfect life. Sorry Jon didnt mean to cut in on your fairy tale life. jon has never lost anyone in his life. He's never had to go through anything that I've had to go through. I guess thats why he has the right to walk all over me right? I guess that's why it's ok for him to tell me what I failure I am. My parents are at the cottage and I am alone in the house. The quiet is so nice I feel just sooo enlightened. Although my head is throbbing and since seeing Cavan today I do feel like I might just sedate myself and go to sleep, I feel strangely alive. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain to make us realize just how alive we really are. I'm going to try to get a nap in, or something. I feel very tired right now.

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[07 Oct 2005|06:48pm]
Meme. If you read this, even if we do not speak often, comment with one memory of me. It can be anything you want, good or bad. Just as long as it happened. Then post this in your livejournal, and see what other people remember about you. :D
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Calling anyone who can READ [03 Aug 2005|04:58pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

Hey everyone. So I haven't been feeling super well lately, having a fucking cold and all, but I've recovered. Anywho I went in today to see my social worker Stephanie and we talked about how I have been chosen to speak in a new campaign called TAMI (talking about mental illness) that begins in October. It will consist of visits to most high schools in the Durham region to talk about mental illness and the affects it has on it's victims. It's aim is to help reduce the stigma that surrounds mental illness. Several patients from local hospitals are chosen by their social workers to be guest speakers at these events. I was asked by Stephanie to be a speaker. I had to write a speech and I was hoping that I could get some practical feedback on how you think the speech will be received by students who are your age. In the speech you are supposed to outline your journey, and not get into too many details. You don't want to scare people with details of your suicide attempts for example. The message that I am trying to deliver is basically how I knew I had depression, how I was affected(family and friends too), the catalyst that sent me running for help, how I found help, with whom, and what kind. Any setbacks I may have endured, the management of the illness, and what I have learned. Stigma is supposed to be directly addressed in the talk, and it is supposed to be delivered in a personal context(such as how it impacted my recovery). In the speech they expect us to make it more conversational, then lecture like since the audience will be students who are about my age. Alot of teens don't respond well to lectures, they respond well to being included in the talk and feeling that they are connected somehow. I stayed away from talking too much....tried to make it relaxed.

I tried to include clever hooks that will help keep the students attention. So below I have included a copy of what I have written. Please leave your comments and give me any advice you think would help me deliver a more successful talk. Thanks in advance.

You can’t map out your whole life from to finish because somewhere down the line your plan will get derailed. Life is unpredictable and you never know what’s in store for you from day to day. Because of this unpredictability I spent two years of my life desperately seeking some form of control.

From me standing up here, you’re probably all thinking, wow this girl doesn’t look depressed, but then you have to ask yourself, what does a depressed person look like? It’s a different description from person to person and because depression is in fact the hidden disease, we can’t label any look, the look of a depressed individual can we? There is one thing however that I’m certain of. At some point in all of your lives you’ve been sick, and you’ve had to see a doctor. And I’ve never met any doctor who hasn’t tried to help the patient with their problem, because let’s be honest they want to get paid. So if every doctor that everyone in this room has seen has tried to help then why are thousands of teenagers in Canada still suffering in silence from depression? It’s simple, people are afraid to come forward with their problem. They are afraid to face the music so to speak. But that doesn’t’ alter the fact that mental illness changes lives does it? I didn’t recognize the impact my mental illness had on my life until recently and when I did, I knew that coming here to talk to all of you may be the most important thing I ever did. Depression is an internal fight that is undetectable to the human eye. It is a very slow transformation that can take weeks, even months to show its full effect. I remember waking up one day feeling like I was watching every one from a window and they couldn’t see me. I felt like I was watching my life happen before my eyes. Because of this strange feeling I began desperately trying to hide it because I didn’t know what it meant. I contained my emotions in a tiny glass jar in my stomach and kept on going. But there’s only a certain amount of time someone can contain such powerful emotions. Soon I couldn’t concentrate at school, I would become irritable all the time, and I wouldn’t have any will to do anything anymore. Eventually what goes in must come out, and one day the glass inside of me shattered and I didn’t stop crying for weeks. This change sent my family into a flashback of my father’s depression and immediately they knew I needed help. I was referred by my family doctor to the nearest mental health crisis unit. The diagnosis of major depression didn’t do much for me, just another label that was thrown at me as a teenager. It changed my view of myself though because immediately there was something wrong with me, I wasn’t normal anymore. I remember that feeling so well, it’s almost like a shove in the wrong direction. I was no longer on the same page as my friends; my diagnosis meant a so-called permanent change in my life.

The transition from a grade 11 student to a depressed, mental health patient was difficult. All of my friends were very confused and thought I was going to the “nut house”. Because none of them had experienced an inner sadness quite like mine (to the same extent that is), they didn’t know how to react. An admission to a day program for adolescents seemed like a world of difference from my regular ritual of going to school every day. I felt like a drug addict, ashamed of my “problem” and very alone. But this day program consisted of being in a safe haven for teenagers just like me who were also suffering. It meant an environment of understanding not one of judgment and isolation. This event really changed my view of my depression; it really made me realize how many people were also struggling too. I was in the day hospital for six weeks and by the time I was finished I was much more confident in my new “self” and was already nursing the beginning of a fresh start.

At home I was very fortunate to have two very “cool” supportive parents. My dad who also suffers from depression was on my side and had already taken a leave from work to help me get back on my feet. My older brother however was not quite as convinced of my sickness. He was constantly speaking of my craving for attention and how he believed that I was making this whole thing up to shift the attention of my parents to just me. His words really cut through my skin like a knife and I often cried myself to sleep at night. I didn’t feel like my brother really knew the extent of my inner pain and this caused a lot of rifts in our family dynamics. I was on a concoction of medication by this point, and I wasn’t quite sure of their effect either. I didn’t sleep well and often lashed out at my family members because I believed it was their fault that I wasn’t sleeping. The less I slept the more “out of it” I became. I saw my friends very little during this time because I was afraid of their reaction, and steered clear of their judgments as much as I could. Because of past experiences with people judging me I became scared to live my new life. I refused to leave the house, and developed a very severe anxiety disorder that kept me inside all day away from the outside world. I was terrified of public places because I really believed people were staring at me. I think this was because I thought my peers could sense that I was depressed. The anxiety was overpowering. It was like having butterflies in your stomach all the time with waves of nausea rushing through your body 24 hours a day. I began having attacks of anxiety which cause your heart rate to rise because you are so nervous, and then your palms become sweaty and you really do believe you are having a heart attack and you are going to die. Never underestimate the power of your mind because when I was that anxious I couldn’t focus on anything else and my mind took over. To overcome this I had to tap into my mind and start to reprogram crucial wires in my brain that were crossing. I had to begin to take my life one hour at a time and try to get through one task at a time. It was difficult; I’m not going to lie to you. It was a battle between me and my depression. The worst part of trying to reprogram your brain is the constant belief that you can’t do it. I really thought I wasn’t going to make it 90% of the time, and because of this began giving up more often than not. I of course had suicidal thoughts, but found comfort in my family, in writing, and in my gladiators, the team at the hospital who helped fend off the “evil” depression.

I bet you guys can relate to this next thing. How many of you are often influenced by others opinions of yourself, now come on be honest. No matter how much we don’t like to admit it we can be really hard on our peers sometimes. Calling them really harsh names, or trying to make ourselves feel better by putting someone else down. But in the end does it really make us feel better? I struggled with the public opinion of mental illness. Those who haven’t experienced mental illness think that the sufferers are “crazy” or as the British put it “have fallen off their trolley”. Well, I assure you all, I didn’t fall off any trolley and I certainly wasn’t crazy in any respect. But I thought I was because kids at school and in general would tell me that I was crazy, had lost my mind and wasn’t “normal”. This scared the shit out of me. I was a teenager of course I wanted to fit in with my peers. I desperately fought to be normal like them, but the more I fought the more I realized there wasn’t really a normal anyway. Nobody is normal; we all have our quirks and strange talents and qualities, but then again our society pressures us to be normal. They expect us to be like everybody else and fit into one nice pattern of ideal productive members of society. But let’s face it, not everyone is perfect. Not everyone can fit into that mould. We’re all unique and no matter how many times we’re told this we seem to forget this the day we turn 13 years old. We all want to be like the other, but never really take the time to think about somebody else’s life from their perspective. Guilty as charged right? Well because of this harmless mistake we all make is a terrible consequence called stigma. It’s a form of discrimination that often makes the world of it’s victims a lot more difficult than it has to be. Since depression is considered almost invisible a lot of people believe it therefore doesn’t exist. Because of this the general consensus is that people who have a mental illness are a perfect target for persecution. Hey you’re different so we’re doing to put freak on your forehead and shun you. Ok well maybe that’s a little but harsh but you get my point. The sufferers of depression become labeled as incapable and lazy. You wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg to get up off their butt and walk without crutches would you? Well then why is it okay for people in our society to tell someone who has depression to suck it up? I guess some people just don’t see this connection. If someone who has just witnessed a murder is feeling upset we don’t purposely make their life more difficult by telling them it’s over so move on do we? Well, this is exactly what hinders sufferers of depression from getting better, more often then not. This is why it’s so important for you to try to see the sufferer’s point of view. You all have listened so attentively and that is the first step. I’m so appreciative that you guys have taken your time to listen to me talk about something that could affect one of you at least once in your life. Starting a new life after depression is very difficult so let’s try to help each other out. Early detection of depression is important and it could very well prevent you or someone you know from becoming very sick. The longer it takes to detect the longer it takes to recover. I was one of the lucky ones and have since begun my journey on the road to recovery. But don’t think that you’re safe and don’t think that accusing someone of not trying is not hurtful either. If you were depressed how would you like to be treated? Open your minds and open your hearts, it could happen to you, so why not do anything we can to help make the stigma surrounding mental illness history. Thanks guys for your attention, you’ve been a great audience.

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how do I feel? [22 Jul 2005|03:18pm]
[ mood | hot ]

Sten is home! Boy I'm glad about that one, I really hated her being at Camp Crapawingo while I was at home chillazing. I missed her, it's like we have an instant bond. Anyway Allycia and I seem to be hanging out a lot more lately, and I really love her company shes so fucking hilarious. Brad is stuck in fucking Chile because of the hurricane. God wouldn't it be safer to get them out of there considering if the hurricane hits Chile he's going to die anyway? God, I miss Brad. He's so fucking amazing. Got an email from Jay-Gard today, (that's Jacob Hoggard from Canadian Idol). Him and I have become good buddies since Brad, and Matt and him met in B.C. Jay-Gard's band Hedley rocks my socks. I can't even begin to describe how talented he is. I saw Rock School with Allycia, and Leila and seriously it changed my fucking life. I want our band to play music like Zappa, The Beatles, not corny crappy emo music like I write. I need to seriously find some inspiration. My mind is so blank. I haven't been writing as much lately, I know that I have stuff to say I just don't know how to say it.

Last night my family and I went to the Beaches Jazz Festival. I love Go Freddie Go! But other groups like some Spanish band, and blue room were really good too. There was some great acts, I really liked the group that were rapping over jazz music. It was sweet. I bought some beads from Bead Works and I swear the woman in there is anorexic. It was gross to have to look at someone suffer so much, but I guess life is like that anyway. I bought enough stuff to make Sarah's birthday present (a charm bracelet with glass charms that are fruit related) and found (believe it or not) multiple myeloma ribbons which I now wear around my neck. I think I'm going to go to STC tonight(hopefully with Leila) to buy a Good Charlotte t-shirt for tomorrow night, and some stuff for beading. I bought the Rock School soundtrack and it rocks! yes, I am going to see Good Charlotte tomorrow night at the Amphitheatre with Daniel....and then on sunday I'm chillaxing. Brad hopefully arrives home on Tuesday evening, and I will meet him at the airport. Melissa told me she needs a break and I can see why. I totally have nothing to say about that and that's my final answer. Next week I start a trial job at Morningside day care and I'm sort of excited because i get to work with kindergarteners. Anyway right now I'm going to teach my friend Elissa how to make a friendship bracelet. I'll be back later. Talk to yall soon. Allycia you will adore my current music.

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